Stella Bella

2003-04-15T21:24:00.000-05:00

My mom has really been on my mind lately. Man, I love her so much it kind of hurts. In high school I used to cry myself to sleep at times thinking about if she were to die how miserable I would be. Many people who observe our relationship just don't get it. We yell and scream at each other, she hangs up the phone on me, she calls me a bitch (get over it-it is just a swear, she's not going to hell). And through all of this we are best friends. I would die for her, I don't know if I would for anyone else, but I would for her. Brandon and I had a 2-minute conversation last week that really showed the maturity of our relationship. When we first started dating we were all like "I love you more than anyone else, you are everything to me..." Well, yes I do love him, in fact I love him 10x more now than I did when we first started dating, but still, my mom is where my heart is, and he knows that. Brandon's mom is one of the most amazing women I have ever met, so I think he feels the same way. I know that when I get married that will have to change. I want it so. I don't want anything except God to come before my husband, not kids, not ministry, nothing. But right now I am 20 years old and my mom has been through everything with me. I believe that Shakira put it best "I love you for free, and I am even your mother." Moms love their children for free. When I go cuddle up next to her I don't have to be funny, or sexy or anything. I just throw myself across her lap and make her rub my back. She is who she is, I am who I am, nothing can separate our love. We have both done some very hurtful things to each other, but love covers a multitude of sins.
Oh, yeah the reason I started to talk about my mom is because she is sick. She has diabetes, which would be fine if she took care of herself-but she doesn't. I am honestly terrified for her, so please, if you can, take time even now to pray for her. Pray that God would heal her, pray that she would have self-control when she eats, and pray that if she were to die with in the next 10 years, than many should would be won for the Kingdom because of her. (sorry this was so depressing)

2003-04-12T13:49:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was so fun. Jr./Sr. was so much better than I though it would be. Everyone looked so great and we all had a great time. I think one reason it was so great for me is because Bran and I have reached a certain level in our relationship. We are comfortable. Not is a bad way, but in a good way. He can eat off my plate and I can be a psycho. And the best part was his willingness and vulnerability to look like a fool. He definitely didn't look like a fool, but there was a risk factor involved. But the fact is that he tried and was great!
Today I went to a Jewish Temple service. It was frightening how similar it was to my Greek church. It was beautiful in tradition, but dead in passion. It amazed me how much talking was going on during the service. It is like people just had no respect for what was going on. We read from the Torah in Hebrew and in English and two girls had their Bat mitzvah today. To me, it was all about tradition, Abraham, Isaac... but that was thousands of years ago, what about today? It made me sad to think that this congregation had missed it. They missed the whole plan that God had made for them. Then I began to think about how it even takes race to realize who Christ is. We on our own cannot even turn to Christ; even to know Him we need grace.

2003-04-04T11:57:00.000-06:00

Masturbation makes you fearful. Yup, that is what I said. I have been writing a paper on pornography and how it messes up people's lives, and that was a new fact I came across. See, when you masturbate, you are afraid. You are afraid of being caught, of someone finding out, of God... So in return, the more you masturbate the more fear becomes a part of who you are. Interesting huh?

I never miss a meal. I like to eat. Some people say they just forget sometimes, they are crazy. And 3 times a day (usually more) I make it a priority to eat a meal. Why? Because I am hungry. I don't just eat in the morning and expect it to carry me through. My bible study was talking about how different this is to God and us. I come to God not 3 times to get fed, but usually only once. Sometimes I go days with out allowing Him to feed me. I know that I am spiritually hungry, but why do I not go eat? If you have any answers write it in my guest book.

I am reading in Joshua, I love it. Actually I am having a love affair with the Old Testament, thanks to Samir Massouh. When I was a freshman in high school my mom told me that I knew a lot about the New Testament, but was seriously lacking in the Old. She was right. I don't know half the stories. I have never even read the book of Joshua till now. Thank you God for being so exciting, oh what a sweet adventure I am on with Christ. From demon casting to having executive meetings with the creator of the universe, People who think Christians are boring are just hanging out with the wrong ones!

I love my sister Emy. Sometimes she pisses me off so bad. But I really love her. In fact I was watching her the other night and I was thinking, "my God, she is so beautiful" she really is. Not only is she beautiful but she is also being transformed. If I had to give an award to someone who has changed the most in one year it would be Emy. Emy used to have an anger management problem. Often times I would find myself locked in the bathroom to hide from her. She is 6 years younger than me! But she was crazy. Emy has begun her own love affair with Christ (or to put it in a language boys understand, she has joined the army of God). So Emy, even though you make me mad, I love you and I am happy to be your sister. Now if only we could get Steven to not be such a lump on a log.

That is all I have to say. Pray for the war, no seriously, pray, now. (And pray for me too, my knee is in bad shape:)

2003-03-29T15:14:00.000-06:00

I love the library in Lake Zurich. Today I checked out:

*Belly Dance for beginners(video Tape)
*Learn to dance(2 part video series to prepare for Jr./Sr.)
*101 Tips for staying Healthy with diabetes(my mom has diabetes, since she refuses to read books on it, I will)
*101 Foot care tips for people with diabetes (Her feet are really bad)
*Learn to speak Greek(An audio casset series so I can listen while I drive)
*And three other pornography books because I have to write a report on teens addicted to porn

What an interesting mix!

2003-03-24T19:57:00.000-06:00

Lately I have been wondering why I have changed. There was a point in my life that I loved God so strongly my heart actually ached to do His will. I longed to live in His righteous ways. Now here I sit refusing to allow God to determine my summer. But what if I don't make enough money? What if I don't get to see Brandon? What if I don't get to be with my mom? It makes me sick to hear myself think this way. These are not the questions of a child who blindly trusts her Father. What has happened to me? Was I just so passionate about my relationship with God before because it was what got me attention? Was I like that because I was hanging out with friends who truly encouraged me? Have I taken on the apathetic heart of many of those close to me? Whatever it is I am sick of it. I want to rise. I want to believe that I can evangelize to a whole nation. I want to believe that I can pray and see someone healed. I want to spend every waking second of my life loving God and those around me. Oh, Stephanie, you are so naive. Come back to reality. Satan's voice often bears a resemblance to those I know all too well. In the famous words of the 104 men, "Damn my bastard flesh"

2003-03-20T14:10:00.000-06:00

Brad, thank you for having the courage to say what I really feel. In your honor I have posted your thoughts in my own blog....

A War Editorial by Yours Truly(Brad)

As much as I like rambling about my life, and as much as this thing is titled, My Life:::, I have to say, I need to shoot in one editorial in regards to the pending/ensuing. I add ensuing as the Iraqi's have apparently fired a chemical missile at a base in kuwait. So let's dabble in the editorial shall we?

We all know war is eminent, but how many people beg for destruction? It seems the iraqi government is just asking for the whoopin of their life!! I mean seriously, we have a Texan president. Do you know what Texas' solution to crime was? Concealed weapons! Don't you think that the rationale behind that beautiful piece of legislation will be carried over to the Presidential seat?? Of course. And that's why friends we are about to witness history!

How you may ask? It will be the first time in almost 80 years that we take the battle field and whoop butt the right way. Thanks to tree-hugging queers and human-rights activists, we have toned down our tactics and completely minimized everything we are fully capable of doing. We've turned war into a homosexual slapping-match. Folks, this is war, not a tea party! Finally, my prayers are answered and we will have a full blown onslaught and demonstration of what we're capable of when idiots get it in their mind that they want to be the next Uberman. Well, buttwipe Hussein, you will get yours. In fact, I am thinking we won't leave until every grain of sand in Iraq burns...I hope I get to see the desert lit up on fire tonite on the news. Can you imagine?? 600 cruise missles, 3,000 bombs, 130,000 infantry, and 200 tanks closing on the enemy all within the first hour of our offensive! What is the moustache thinking!!???

Now to all you sissy sentimentalists out there...shut your cryin up. I've had about all I can stand from you anti-war crybabies who sit around and whine about the destruction and death and what not. Well, we can either go in and whoop Hussein's butt, or let this maniac free and nuke the entire world. Either way people die. The sad thing is, more civilian's die if we don't invade. So, pull your heart and your head out of your butt and realize this: WE'RE SAVING THE WORLD FROM DISASTER So, if you think that sparing the Moustache would be proper, then move to France--cause I sure hope that's the first place he nukes if we let him go. Thank God we won't! It's time to pay the fiddler. You know who the fiddler is? A feisty texan named George W. Bush.

So yeah, if this offends you anti-war morons in any way, I'm glad. Know that as an American I have been offended by your crap all year!!! Please leave America if you hate our policies...but ya know what, as much as you like to talk against America, you will never leave. Ya know why? It's the same reason you don't have the courage to vote, or write congressmen, or actually do anything else...you have no courage...no backbone. I tell you what, whatever reserves we have left (224 WPNS) should round you guys up and just either ship you to Canada or France (one in the same), or just shoot ya...you're as good as a traitor in my book. Your loyalty has already been compromised...America has no room in her bosom for cowards, traitors, or tree-huggers. Which brings me to my next point...

Don't bring up the oil crap and tell me that's why we are going to Iraq...the only reason we have an interest in oil in Iraq is because of whimpy tree huggers who won't let us open up the Alaskan Pipeline cause we might damage the habitat of the moose, or the owls, or some other crap...so, instead, we live like deprived morons cause we let someone elevate the life of a moose higher than that of a human being. Folks, we've wiped out thousands of species of animals in the last 200 years and guess what?? The eco-system is not in turmoil!!! Geez, wake up and realize we have more oil in Alaska than Iraq has in its borders, but we can't use that oil since some pink and purple pansies won't let us turn the valve..."kill the moose" he says. I say, "kill the extreme environmentalists!" I matter more than a moose, and so do you....but, if we take care of business in the next few weeks, the oil is ours anyway...kind of a bonus for taking out the world's trash.

Ok, so now most of my friends think I'm a deranged psycho. Nah, just someone who wants to see the world a safer, better place. If you think letting the moustache go is gonna make our world a better place, why don't you go volunteer to work on his staff?! God knows, America doesn't need ya!! If any of you respond to me and tell me how harsh this is, I will personally buy you a ticket to Iraq and an Iraqi flag to wrap you up in!

2003-03-20T13:41:00.001-06:00

Funny story: Today I was reading some magazines sitting on the bed, compleatly oblivious to the fact that it was raining. So when the lightning and thunder struck really loud, well I though we were being bombed. Let's just say it's a good thing I didn't have to pee. It was quite funnny.

2003-03-20T13:38:00.000-06:00

Brandon, you should update your Blog:)

I heard something cool. There have been some U.S. troops in Kuwait for a few months now and I heard that a revival has broken out! Yea for God! The soldiers started setting up tent churches and such. How awesome is that. I love when the gospel is spread!

I don't have much to say other than I am so happy to be a Christian, if I die or if I live, Christ has victory in me. I was talking to Emy(my little sister). I was worried that her school friends were convincing her to protest the war. Turns out that she was putting her Biology class in place. They were discussing the war and some students were talking about how terrible Bush was, and how we need to protest and have peace. Apperantly my sister spoke up and said "you stupid people you don't even know what you are protesting. Sadam and his men rape and beat women. If you really wanted peace then you would stop protesting and support Bush" Go Emy! I think it runs in the family. Don't get me wrong, I don't want war and the fact that innocent people will die is sad and sick, but there were wars in the Old Testament, so I say, let God bless us and let's get 'um.

2003-03-20T13:30:00.000-06:00

this is just a test-BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

2003-03-14T14:35:00.000-06:00

Well, well, they brought back the blog! Good, now we can all read about eachothers lives! Well Florida was wonderful. Let's see, katie and I ate, slept, tanned...ate slept and tanned... that's about all. It was so fun, and relaxing. Florida is a great self-confidence booster. Boys in Florida are not shy to come up to you and tell tell you what they think. Thankfully I have a wonderful boyfriend, so I just ignored them, but Katie sure ate it up. The girl is not shy! Arizona look out! IF you didn't know, she is transferring there :(
Even though I had so much fun I did miss Brandon terribly. I really didn't think I would. I am not really someone to miss others. I don't let myself become that attached, but I really did miss him. I was excited to see him again.
I did a lot of thinkning over break, spiritually, stuff is just kind of confusing for me. I just have a lot of questions that noone seems to have the anwers to. Ok, I don't really want to get into it, so I won't.
Something random: Brandon really likes it when I swear in Greek. Is that wierd? Probably, but I think it is funny. He should hang around my mom more ofter, he would be laughing all the time.

2003-03-10T15:03:00.000-06:00

I love falafil!

2003-02-25T15:34:00.000-06:00

Three days until Florida! Although I am eager I must confess that I am troubled. I have not flown since September 11, and now that stuff is even worse I just keep having these reoccurring nightmares of people massacring everyone on the airplane. Pleasant thought, huh? Well, if I die I just want to say that I love God; chances are that if you are reading this I love you too, but I can't guarantee it to ya.
Travis and I have been racking our brains trying to figure out the difference between the gift of knowledge and wisdom. I read two books that actually completely contradicted themselves. Seriously people, can we make up our minds! I suppose God finds this entertaining, us humans trying to put a label on something He has done and given. Like we can ever grasp anything He does. How silly we are. Something I have been learning about lately is spiritual pride. The cool thing is that noone has even been teaching me. I just randomly feel the urge to pray against spiritual pride. It is like God has just been making me more aware of how easy it is to become puffed up. What is pride anyways? It always has to do with comparing ourselves to others. We think, "Oh, I am smarter, or better or more holy." Lord forgive me for thinking of my self-righteousness, it is filthy rags. Anything I do good is because I have Christ living in me. (Sorry didn't mean to start preaching).
I have really enjoyed being a girlfriend this past month. I just have a lot of fun when I am with him. Even when we have disagreements, things are just better. Did we change? Has God just given us an extra measure of grace? Whatever it is I just don't want it to go away.
I went out to eat last night at the Pita Inn, it's like a Greek/Mediteranian place. I had a falafyl(Don't ask, you just have to try it). It was so good. Want to hear the best part. My dinner cost $1.98! Incredible I know. And I had baklava. These peopel really deserve an award or something. I mean, come on, 2 dollars for a really good dinner!
Sometimes we like to make ourselves a victim. It makes us feel justified when we complain or criticize others. This can be really dangerous. Just some random thoughts. Oh yea, tonight is SPA NIGHT!! Time to get beautiful:)

2003-02-21T16:51:00.000-06:00

I am in such a grand mood. I don’t know why. I just feel so cheerful. It is probably the weather, after four long bitter cold months, my toes have been unveiled to the world. Flip-flops are a sure indication of spring. I could also be in a good mood because I tried on bathing suits. Now don't misunderstand, I did not look great, but I didn't look half bad. That's a pretty big deal for me. Maybe I am so happy because I will be in Florida in one week. Whatever it is I hope it doesn't go away.

2003-02-17T18:43:00.000-06:00

Highlights of the best road trip ever:

*Becky's non-stop farting
*Dancing like crazy to Enya
*Sleeping in late
*Becky's mom's muffins
*Sledding down Mt. Everest (ok it was a bunny hill, but it was still scary)
*Watching home videos of the Damiens
*Turkey dinner
*Watching a two-hour video of Becky's ex-boyfriend begging for her to take him back
*Learning to dance to Brittany Spears videos
*Climbing an outside tower that is 12 stories high and worshipping God at the highest point in Wausau, WI
*Culver's ice cream
*Coming home and seeing my roomy in a better mood
*Coming home to a boyfriend who missed me:)

2003-02-13T20:55:00.000-06:00

"Disobedient Christians are the most unhappy people in the world."
I can attest to this. For the last few days I have been avoiding God. I believe He has asked me to give something over to Him. I just didn’t want to. It is really difficult to read and pray when you know you are avoiding something He is asking you to do. So on the exterior I have been ok, but on the inside I knew that I needed to be right with God. But I honestly did not want to give this over to God. Finally tonight I had to face Him. I didn’t want to just go through the motions, ya know, staring at the words in the bible, but refusing to let your heart be engaged. But tonight I made a step in the right direction. (Thanks to my boyfriend, who freed me up to be obedient to God. I think that is true love.) Sometimes I don't always like what God is doing in me, but I know that it is for His glory and my betterment. Now, 2 hours later, I feel like a new woman. I feel like whatever barrier I had put up between God and myself is now down. There is nothing like having a relationship with God. How could I ever turn my back on Him? He is in my bones, my flesh, and my spirit.
After a long week, 3 tests a project and small groups, I can look forward to tomorrow. I am taking Brandon to medieval times. Nothing like sweaty men beating the crap out of each other with swords and sticks on horses to say I love you on Valentine's Day! After that I am off for a four-hour drive to Becky's house for a little weekend getaway.

2003-02-09T22:28:00.000-06:00

I feel like I have a lot to say, but don't know where to start. First off, I should explain Stellabella. My name in Greek is Stelyanie. So my dad and sister and some others call me Stell, Stella or Stelle. When I was younger I was pretty big so my family would call me stella bella or stelly belly. Before you pity me know that I am over it and fine--thanks to a few years of counseling:) I hope I have made my parents proud, today I studied for stupid World Civ for over 4 hours; I think that is the most I have studied since I have been in school. I better get a B or else Fratt will see Christmas in his yard. I will let ya know how it goes after tomorrow at 9 am. Pray for me.
Last night Brandon and I babysat, actually I got paid 10 bucks an hour to eat food, study and be with Brandon, not a bad job. It was nice just to be with Bran, something cool happened; I realized that we have grown together. I mean, we have actually matured in the way we think towards each other. That is pretty cool. Everything we have in out relationship we owe to God, He really has kept His hand over us. I wonder sometimes what sins I will battle with once I am married. It seems like the number one problem I have now is keeping my mind untainted. So when I finally have free liberty to be and do what God created this bundle of hormones to do, what other sins will take up my thoughts? Just wondering.
I also talked to my mom today, man I love her. Nobody loves her more than I do. My mom is my best friend, sure we fight and yell and scream, but it barley compares to the love I have for her. We have a soul connection. She says that when she delivered me I healed her, and I have always supernaturally known when she was hurting. Pretty cool. Mom-if you read this know that I love you and pray for you. You may make unwise decisions at times, but your love for your children covers anything you do wrong.
ok, enough mushy stuff, now lets talk about my disturbing dream. I don't think I should use any names, so I will substitute them.

I had a dream that I was talking to Pandon, and he told me that he was cheating on me and that he had been for two years. This absolutely broke my heart, I couldn't breathe and I could feel my life crumbling. Why? Why would he do such a thing? I wanted to know who and I wanted to know now. I asked him who it was and he said Jochelle. My heart sank even further, but soon the pain was replaced with incredible rage. I decided at that point that I was going to hunt down Jochelle and kill her-literally. (Note to all you women, never mess with my man) I ran outside and yelled for my friend to help me. "Wavis, where the hell are you?" DISCLAIMER: This blog is soon to go from PG to a PG 13, if harsh language makes you stumble do not continue. Wavis came to my side and off we were to find this Jochelle. I heard she was in a classroom so I chose my weapon, which happened to be the shoes I was wearing and geared up to battle. I ran into the classroom and grabbed Jochelle by the arm, "I am going to beat the sh*& out of you" She tried to play innocent but I knew. What made it worse was the fact that Pandon and Satie ran ahead of me to tell Jochelle that I was coming for her. Why did they keep betraying me? I am not sure what happened next, except Jochelle was gone, maybe I killed her. I told Jochelle's boyfriend Wate what happened. He was mad, but not as mad as me. I found Pandon again and demanded that he told me why he did this to me. "Is it because she is skinnier than me, or more submissive?" He had no reply, nor was he remorseful. Well the rest of the dream really just consists of me running around TIU yelling the F word.
So that is my dream, a bit comical, a bit sad. I was really hurt when I woke up. In fact I think that I woke up because my heart hurt so badly from the dream. Weird, I know, but thanks to my parents I have this nightmare imbedded in my mind forever. Thankfully, I have a sense of humor and am able to laugh it off. Or do I?

Just a word to those in my dream: Do not take any offense to this. I trust my boyfriend and this "Jochelle" and am not worried about anything.

Well, on a better note, I heard a cool quote in church today. “Be kind, for every person that you interact with is at battle” and “Nobody who comes before you feels good about themselves, it is your responsibility to make sure that they leave your presence better, and not worse.”

2003-02-08T13:16:00.000-06:00

Someday you'll thank me.

2003-02-07T23:56:00.000-06:00

OK, first of all I just want to say that I have not played snood at all today, which is so huge for me. But I am sure when I am done with this I will get a good hour in, (I have to beat my roommate). Today Mr. and Mrs. Moss came over and threw us a little shindig; they are so great. I love when they are around. Sometimes when I start to doubt that any married people are truthfully happy and in love anymore, I look to them as a glimmer of hope. I am sure they have their problems but Steph says they really are crazy for each other. But I guess it is like Brandon and I say, "Love is a choice, not a feeling." It is kind of frightening to think that one day I could wake up and my husband would just opt not to love me anymore, but I guess that is where trust comes in. I like to compare it to my relationship with God. I do not always feel like loving Him and obeying Him, but I choose to, out of my own will. Enough of Dating 101
Tonight I went to the Trinity Idol thing; to my surprise we have some real talent here at TIU. Phil's band was remarkable; I can’t get over just how good they are. There were some other great ones too. Then I came back to the room and just hung out with Bran. I love when we just have fun together. It makes me feel like the luckiest girl. God has really worked a miracle in the past two weeks.
Well, I wish I could write more, or at least make the stuff I did write sound eloquent, but this is all I have, love me, or leave me:)

2003-02-06T21:40:00.000-06:00

What a day, and what a night it will be, I feel as if I haven't slept in weeks, my body hurts and my mind can't seem to concentrate on anything, much less Christian Doctrine readings. But praise God for tonight; I will be in bed by 10.
So today I decided to spend some time with God, shamefully I admit that I haven't in the past couple of days. My heart has been right I just have been lazy. But when I did take that time today, oh how sweet it was. I was reading in Psalm 68, if you haven't read it, you should. Sometimes I forget how impressive my God is. I mean, who else even compares? Who can make the mountain smoke when they pass by? Who can scatter armies? I have a real relationship with the most powerful God. A bit humbling I must say. After I was done reading I put on the Morning Star CD with the song, “Let Yah arise.” It is such a great song (despite Brandon's conflicting theological view) after about a minute I couldn't take it any longer. I locked the door, closed the blinds and began to pour out my heart to God in the means of my dancing. If you have never danced before the Lord--you should. Something in your soul just unlocks. The freedom of blissfully moving about as a child, trying to delight her daddy. I am so thankful that I don't have to be self-conscious in front of God.

2003-02-05T22:18:00.000-06:00

ok, I did it, I have a blog:) This is pretty exciting for me, even if I am the last person at TIU to have one, but hey I also just got e-mail last lear. So I am a little scared, what if nobody likes what I have to say? What if I spell evrything wrong and people think I am stupid? What if I dazzle people with my brilliance and become a famous writer? Ok, I will start small.